I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
