Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
This baby is an asshole
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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