is your mom at the bar?
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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