I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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