I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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