i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
