The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize