when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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