You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
