the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
