bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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