Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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