After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Randomize
