Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
