Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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