im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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