i can't believe i had my finger in that
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
