i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
