Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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