I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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