Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
