im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
50% drunk capacity currently
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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