2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
