Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
