I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
