I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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