i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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