A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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