My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You need a sexual gate keeper
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
