So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
its liver damage thursday
Randomize