I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
