Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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