I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
