OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
