god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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