I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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