ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize