im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
