so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
