Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
