i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
