Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
