ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
