This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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