booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
