Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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