My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
