Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
