Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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