i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
