chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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