I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize