Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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