btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
