I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize