My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
