Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
