she was so not down for the gang bang
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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